Don't Blog On Me

My town's weekly newspaper is great. Great in that it is so small-time and ridiculous. The "Letters to the Editor" each week are some of the best ever. In this section, readers/writers go back and forth on "envelope pushing" subjects such as allowing dogs to be walked in the downtown area, the closing of the local pool to members for a "volunteer appreciation" swim day, and the latest and greatest subject is the use of power equipment by landscape companies and homeowners.

At the center of this debate is the amount of noise put out by gas powered lawn equipment. The writer suggests that this equipment should be allowed only during the hours of 9-5 and not on Sundays. I am ok with this so far, but then the week after this suggestion was posted another writer suggests using a rake and an electric lawn mower. What a disgrace this person is to mankind. . . MAN being the keyword. A rake and an electric lawn mower? Go back to eating quiche, loser.

This person has obviously never owned the tools that I own, and therefore does not appreciate the smell of a 2 cycle engine exhaust system (does exhaust cause MESOTHELIOMA?), or the commercial grade Snapper push lawnmower with a cup holder for your beer. This person does not enjoy the power of pulling a trigger on nail gun, and the roar of a 40 gallon air compressor with an impact wrench attached, the slicing of plywood on a table saw, or the sweet sound of an 18 inch chainsaw. I know what some of you hippies (hi Marble!) are saying, my Husqvarna tools are outlawed in California for a reason. Perhaps its because the rumble of said tools will cause California to fall off into the ocean. But here in sunny NJ, the one with the biggest, loudest, tools - rules.

I enjoy my tools. I enjoy the noise they make. I enjoy making lawns perfect, screwing in tight, and nailing nails when and if I want to nail something. I enjoy them morning, noon, and night.

Seriously, is there anything more un-American than rakes and electric lawnmowers? Think about it, we don't rake - we use leaf blowers that blow those leafs back onto the branches of our neighbors trees. We use lawnmowers that have enough force to pull the paint off a house and turn your kid's hair orange. Need a piece of paper cut? Put those scissors down and pickup a jig saw. You know what kind of person uses an electric lawnmower? The kind of person that cuts their own hair with a Flowbee and still wears a Smock when performing any type manual labor. Not me, not ever - "Don't Tread on Me" and "Keep Your Laws Off My Body" (I have a backpack leaf blower & matching goggles) that's what I say.